Hip Hop Love Story Finale

I got hip hop to focus on which will be the reason these posts may be a little more sporadic then usual.  That being said, Lucy, you only get one post dedicated to you and what your bitch ass did because after this, I am moving on.

So why am I bitter? Well kids sit down for a great little story.  Lucy and I did not end well.  It did not end well at all.

Like I said it all started well enough with Lucy and me.  We were really doing good, had a lot of interests together and she was even supportive of my hip hop career.  Lucy was great.  Things got serious and as much as I tried to pump the breaks, she wasn’t having it.

I would say, “Well maybe we shouldn’t do this yet because you may get hurt,” or “You’ll regret it later,” or “We should wait until we are in love…blah blah blah.”

Nope, she just looked me in the eyes and said, “I do love you, and I am sure.”  Like an idiot I went along for the ride.  Well, sort of.  See I panic a bit  when the “L” word is mentioned . She would tell me how much she loves me, and I’d smile, excuse myself for a second, go to the other room and call Razer up and be like “Yo, I got Lucy in the other room, and she is saying she loves me and shit.  What do I do?  Should I kick her out?  She’s lying right?  And why the hell does my stomach feel like its in knots!?  You don’t think the bitch poisoned, me do you?”

Then Razer would laugh a second, why I don’t know because I was dead serious, then say “Chill man it’s okay.  She just likes you.  Go in there and spend some time with her.  Oh and whatever you do, DO NOT SLEEP WITH HER!  It’ll just complicate things.”

I then hung up the phone, walked in the other room, made out with her, and then we slept together.

Damn it!  Well I listened to some of his advice.

Razer thought I was paranoid, but paranoid or not, she would prove me right.  First, we began to hit a few bumps.  Nothing major just stepped on each others toes a bit but nothing too bad.  You know, normal shit that happens when you’re with someone all the time..We just got on each others nerves here and there.

And then one day out of the blue, and man do I mean out of the blue, no fuck that out of the black, out of the void, out of the absolute no where she says “I’m done with you.”  One day I kissed her goodnight, the next day “I’m done with you.”  A total Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde.   She laid into me with “I never loved you” and “There’s someone else” and my personal fav “And you are too ugly a guy for me.”

Needless to say, I am not a fan of Lucy right now.

So now Lucy if you are reading this blog, remember when we first started dating and you said: “Why don’t you talk about me more on the blog?”  Remember how you were jealous of how much time I devoted to Anesia or Sara on this site?  Well, you finally got your wish and the whole world knows how much of a cold hearted bitch you really are.  Best believe I have some verses especially dedicated to you.  Once again I must say …..”I got 99 problems and a bitch ain’t one.”  See you when I go on tour.  Peace!

P.S. – On a serious note my boy Chemist just underwent a MAJOR surgery and I wanted to give him a shout out.  Razer and I are glad you pulled through bro, and it just goes to show how much we take things for granted.   Much love goes out to him and his fam.  Get better, get back and continue making beats so you can leave the legacy behind I know you have in you.

P.P.S. – Shout out to my boy Dwayne too.  We got a little to close to ending a long friendship.  I’m glad we talked it out and squashed the beef.  Hopefully one day this dream will become a reality and I can help ya out in your hip hop dreams.

I leave you with this.

“THERE ARE GREAT MEN AND THEN THERE ARE MEN WHO ARE GREAT. GREAT MEN WERE BORN INTO POWER AND STAUS AND LIVE THROUGH NAME ALONE. MEN THAT ARE GREAT DON’T NEED FAME OR GLAMOUR OR ATTENTION. THEIR DEEDS DEFINE THEM ALONE.”

WHAT KIND OF MAN WILL YOU BE?

Words of wisdom taught to me by my lost love…

ANESIA XIYU MUAE PARKINGSON

Rest in Peace

Cleveland Hip Hop Love Story: The Sequel

Proph here interrupting my regular Cleveland Hip Hop updates to drop a post about my personal life…

I passingly mentioned this earlier but I have met someone.  In school, I have been friends with this beautiful Asian girl, Lucy, for awhile.  We’ve been passing each other in the hallways since freshman year, shot a “hi” back and forth every once in awhile, and for the past year, we’ve talked non-stop on Facebook.  Well, our relationship spilled out from the internet and into real life recently. We began to talk and hang out in the real world.  We found out quickly that we get along in real life just as well as we had on Facebook…For one thing, we really make each other laugh.  And unlike Sara, she is actually supportive of my hip hop dreams.  Lucy’s been behind me 100% in my acting and hip hop careers which is a breath of fresh air these days.

Well, one night we were chilling at my crib (the fact that she sees where I live and still likes me is special in and of itself), and then in one of those stereo-typical awkward romance movie moments, our friendship became something more.  You know what I’m talking about, right? That silent moment where you stop talking and look in each other’s eyes and get that funny feeling in your pants, errr…stomach.  Before I knew it, we were kissing.  In my head thoughts were racing, but they weren’t really the kind of thoughts you’re average college guy should have…No, Prophet The Rebel has to start thinking:

What the hell is going on?

Are we ruining our friendship?

Could someone actually like me, actually not be using me?

Do I deserve someone this great?

This is going to blow up in my face!

And so on and son on.  I interrupted the moment and had to ask: “Lucy, are you sure you want to do this?  Are you sure this is the right thing for us?”

“I have never been more sure about something in my life,” she responded.

The next few days were a little odd, for me at least.  We had those funny, puppy love type conversations: So what are we? Can I see you tonight?  You know…All that crappy love story type stuff.  And I, for the first time in a while began to feel a little joy in my personal life.  But the point of this post isn’t so much to tell you guys I finally have someone. It isn’t to gross you out with my love life; it’s really about me and my messed up view of life.

See as much as I should be happy that I found someone new, I’m not.  I have been surrounded by what can best be described as poisonous relationships for what seems like more then a lifetime.  Beyond my own messed up love life, my sister, my friends, they all have relationships that involve fighting, cheating or abuse, physical or mental.  I haven’t had a good relationship since I met the love of my life, Anesia, and look how that ended.

Now I’ll be honest, Razer has quickly become one of my closest friends. Watching him and his wife, Nikki, together has been a breath of fresh air.  To those who know them, you know exactly what I am talking about.  They click as friends, as a couple, as a team.  Sure they have their ups and downs, but they have really given me a new found hope on love and marriage.  If you don’t believe me, check out her Clueless Newlywed Blog, and you’ll see a glimpse of what I’m talking about.

The point of all this is that being around them makes me want more out of my relationships.  I don’t want to be messing around anymore; I want something solid and lasting.  I want someone I can grow with, someone who makes me a better person.  I want all these games to end and have a fulfilling relationship.  The problem is that as much as Lucy says that what we have is true, and as much fun as I have being around her, I can’t help but hear this voice in the back of my head that says “Proph, don’t get too comfortable.  She will screw you like everyone else.  This will come crashing down like everything else in your life.”

I know this is wrong.  I know I shouldn’t tell myself that, but I can’t help but think the worst.  I do this about everything, and I can’t seem to break the cycle. Maybe that’s because for me, life has never broke its cycle. When you’ve been shit on as long as I have, it’s tough to believe in yourself.  So as much as I like to believe in “us,” and that my life in general will be get better, a large part of me can’t shake this feeling that failure and pain is right around the corner.

Any advice will be more than welcome at this point.

MIDWEST GLOOM: WILL IT EVER SHINE IN CLEVELAND?

Proph here with a lil pity party.  I was trying to keep optimistic this week…Really I was. But ya know that phrase, “When it rains, it pours?” In my case, it should be “When it rains, it’s a level 5 hurricane!” I’m serious. This week’s recording session went okay.  I say okay because as I started rapping, I realized I wasn’t feeling so hot.  First, it was just some pain in my throat, then I felt a little light headed and now, well now I feel like crap.  It’s hard to breathe let alone move, and I can’t afford nor do I have the time to go to the hospital. I bought some food before my work check was deposited into my account.  Needless to say, I over-drafted my account, and the bank won’t stop charging me late fees.  When I looked this morning, it was up to $400, and I don’t know what to do to get them to stop.

I pulled it together for my little sister’s Birthday dinner, but between the illness and the setbacks, I’ve gotta say that I am officially down and out.  I’m keeping up the optimistic facade to my boys, but the truth is I am a bit dead inside.  My history with women has been problematic to say the least.  Just a couple of weeks ago,  I was gonna to pledge my everlasting love to Sara, and looking back now, I don’t think she really understood how much I cared for her.  I would have put in the time and effort to make it work.  I would have been there for her if she gave me the chance.  But she shut me out.  Ya know what the last things she said to me was? “I don’t love you.” Then she said that I was just a good time. And I couldn’t expect her to stick around with a guy who has no car, no job, lives in a poverty-stricken apartment, and is chasing a dream of becoming the next big hip hop artist from Cleveland.  She said she needed a future, and I was just a fun stop along the ride.

Before our big date fiasco, I had kept some of the cash from my savings and bought her a ring. It wasn’t an engagement ring, a promise ring…actually, more like a ‘thank you’ ring.  I was going to give it to her before our first hip hop show as a way of saying thank you for sticking around.  Now instead of me giving it to her, I’ll be giving it to a pawn shop.  Maybe someone else out there will buy it and give it to someone who loves them, because that future just ain’t in the cards for me.  Sorry for the pity party, but it just ate me up today, and I needed to get it out.  The last straw was waking up to find my pet Iguana had died.  So I think I’ll rest, feel bad for my self for a little and then pick myself back up like I always do.

After all, this drama has to be good for one thing…song writing. Listening to Kid Cudi’s latest single, Day N’ Night, made me think about how life’s problems seep into the hip hop scene and turn into great music. After I heal up, I’ll just take all this hardship and put it into my hip hop, but for the time-being, this is one defeated Prophet signing off.

Happy Birthday

Proph the rebellious rebel here taking a break from chasing my midwest hip hop dreams to give a shout out to one of the few women in my life that has always been there for me.  My sis, my friend, Ppalonian.  I just wanted to tell her and the world how proud I am of her.  You took the road less traveled by those from our neighborhood and did the good thing, kept your head on right and stayed in school.  You may be my lil sis but you’re an inspiration to me.  All of Cleveland, or at least my blog and it’s readers, wish you a happy Birthday!  This is one hip hop punk who’s proud to have such a great sister.

Game Over: Him or Me?

So  Sara and I met up this morning after I said the cliche, “we need to talk” bit over the phone.

She seemed to know this was not going to go well, so I just came out and asked “Are you seeing Terrence?”

Now before I get into her answer, I have to explain who  this Terrance guy is exactly.  Sara and I are in some drama classes…In fact, that’s how we met…From the moment I met her I could tell she was one of those flirtatious types.  She walked around and knew how to string men along. She literally looked like a puppet master backstage as she tugged on every guys heart strings.  One second she was playfully close to one man, the next second she had a new guy eating out of the palm of her hands.  And so, at first glance, I decided to keep my distance.  Or so I thought.  She made her way to me and before I knew it, I had fallen for her.  It was playful at first but as we got closer, the relationship became more serious.  I excused a lot of her “flirtatious” behavior because I thought that she would never go beyond playful flirting.  (Of course looking back now, I know how stupid that was of me.)

It just so happens that one of those people she “playfully flirts” with is Terrence– 34-year-old, freshly divorced, semi-professional actor  in the drama department.  When I saw them together, I just figured it was another one of those cases of the older wishful-thinking guy flirting with the younger girl who was out of his league, She’s only 22, and very sexy, so I couldn’t really blame the man.  It may have started innocent, but this relationship clearly blew up into something more than wishful thinking and playful flirting.

So back to this morning. I cut to the chase, “Sara are you seeing Terrance behind my back?”

“Look we are just friends,” Sara told me. “It’s not like we had sex.  I was going to tell you about us, but I figured you would trip out.”

“Umm, if he is just a friend then why is he saying he loves you?”

“See your tripping out.  We haven’t had sex or nothing.  We are just friends and I like being with him.  Look I just don’t want to be tied down now, I don’t really wanna be in some committed relationship.  I need to keep my options open.” she said.

“OK…Then what were we?”

“Honestly? Don’t get mad. You’re really good in bed, and that’s it right now (BTW, that really is what she said. No, I’m not tooting my own horn, and yes ,I am a little proud of it so let me gloat for a sec I deserve it!) OK Continuing…”I mean honestly, how serious did you think we were going to get?  You’re just a college actor, you’re moving to a place I wouldn’t be caught dead in, and your big dream is to be a rapper!? Come on!  Let’s just call this what it is–a good time–and keep it at that!”

I swear, I  had systematically walked through every single response she could have given me…Like, we’ve been seeing each other for awhile, or sometimes we hang out…But I was NOT prepared for the words that came out of her mouth just then. I mean–What do you say to that? I was stunned, not because it came out of the blue, but because I finally heard those words.  I know my dreams are crazy, I know my chances of success are less then 1 in a million, but I figured as an aspiring actress herself, she understood me.  Instead, she saw me exactly as I feared everyone else does, a joke.

So I did the only thing I could do in that instant. I decided to keep some dignity. Hot or not, I sure as hell wasn’t gonna be somone’s bootie call. So I told her this, “Make a choice, him or me. You can believe in me and work on us, or you can find somebody else.  Think about it for a few days and let me know your decision.”      And with that I went home, had a little pity party for myself, quickly shook it off and began writing for about 2 hours straight.  The freestyles and rhymes came non-stop, although granted, mainly about women, but they came nonetheless.

The Big Change: A Three Step Program

My last post ended with a bit of a cliff-hanger, so let me fill in the gaps.  The past few weeks I have been thinking about some BIG changes, and I made the final decision to go through with them right before my most recent date with Sara.  What where the changes?  Mainly, shed some of my bills, so I can put all my money into this hip hop dream. I decided to go through with this bill eradication process at the exact same time that I found out my girl, Sara, has been cheating on me.

Step1: Reduce my living expenses
So it’s time to put my money where my mouth is, out with the comfy suburban crib, hello functional downtown apartment with much lower rent.  It will put me closer to Chemist, and the rest of the guys so we can work on hip hop,  and it will let me devote my cash to the project.  Clearly, this decision has been the source of a lot of tension between Sara and me over the past few days, but I tried to get her to see the big picture.  My mom’s also not a big fan of the neighborhood but hey, it’s near school or at least closer, and it’s cheap. Plus, it’s not like it’ll ever be as bad as when I lived in the D.T.W.

Step 2:  Drain my Savings
Okay bad idea I know, but there is a difference between saying you want something and truly going for it.  So I took out my savings, and I am shopping around for equipment.  I’m also saving some of it to book quality studio time.  (I did make one one stupid purchase, but let’s not talk about it.)

Step 3: Confront My Girl
I hate to think about how I found out my girl’s probably cheating, but I might as well tackle everything all at once, right? I’m going to confront Sara this weekend, and I’ll let you all know how things go.  Right now I think I’ll just tell her what I saw, and ask what’s going on.  Let her explain from there.  If I am lucky I’ll find out nothing happened yet, and I called her out just in time. In the meantime, I’d love to hear suggestions. Keep them coming!

And that about sums up my crappy week.  My life is starting to feel like a roller coaster ride.  I should get my friend to build me a graph for this blog so I can visually track my progress on this crazy road to hip hop stardom.  Alright, I’m out for today.  I got to get ready to face what I have been avoiding.

TIME PRESENT: Love, Acting & the Search for Beats

Proph here with a quick update. Life’s pretty good these days. I spend my days at school with my other two loves:

(1) My girl Sara, who continues to shoot down my attempts at “officially” being her man and

(2) Acting at Cleveland State University.

I don’t get it, Sara and I are great together, a ying to my crazy yang. I know she loves me even if she is too scared to admit it. I keep telling her about my hip hop dreams that I’m trying to get popping, but she’s not too psyched. Apparently its not a “real job,” which is a funny excuse, as we are both in the theater department. Ya, being an actor, there’s job security! What’s the success rate in that? Whatever! She seems to think that performing, in the hip hop sense, doesn’t have a high success rate. Well, she’s right, but at the risk of sounding cocky, that high failure rate is full of wanna be rappers that never had half the drive and skill that I do.

Tonight I’m going to listen to this guy James (aka Clevelands Chemist) music. I hear he has some killer beats too, which really may get the ball rolling on this whole thing. We’ll see.  This radio stint really got me motivated.  I am determined to keep this momentum going and get music out there within the next two months.  Failure is not an option.