End of an Era, Moving on as P.U.N.K.

So here is my new post.  Sorry it’s been so long, but I have been through hell and back. Just to be real…I know that my life is headed to a bigger and brighter tomorrow, but today I am still far from there.

Now I want to take a sec to explain things here.  I caught heat for some of these posts.  People were offended and hurt.  The goal of this blog is to give the world an honest glimpse into the life of an aspiring artist.  Sometimes that meant telling some personal info.  I tried to protect identities by not giving full names or posting pics, it was the story that was important, not publicly embarrassing the people involved.  Those posts were hard as hell for me to write.  For one putting myself out there is not easy, and two, sometimes by the time my next post was ready to go up my anger had dissipated.  I posted it anyways because the words and feelings described were true to how I felt at the time, regardless of whether or not I had moved on.

Now I want to take a second to apologize to Lucy, Dwayne and anyone else I offended.  Not because I’m going soft (I will still take down anyone who deserves it), but because I found God.  God is in my life now (in addition to Cleveland hip hop of course), and if I am sincere about living his way, I must forgive.  To all my fans who read this hip hop blog I want to apologize.  Prophet is not invincible or perfect, just a human being who is just as susceptible to hurt as the next guy.  Yet, due to all my hardships I have become a stronger man.  I am focused, I am following my calling and I am finally going to step up to my responsibilities.  God, music, acting, martial arts, science are my life.

Dwayne, we are still cool fam, but I’ll be honest, what you wrote in your emails hurt.  Maybe that’s why we fought so bad. It’s always easy to hurt those that you are closest to.  I would never do anything to harm you.  Lucy, what you did was without a doubt cold and heartless.  You had no right to play me like that, but despite that fact, I still wish you happiness. Maybe you never loved me, but I know the right man is out there for you and I wish you much luck in finding him.  To all the ladies who burned me and I burned back (not in an STD way, I’m clean single ladies reading this), I apologize for my actions and hope we both learned from our mistakes.  One day I’ll meet the right woman and she will get all the love she deserves.  And last, to all those I hustled in the past, I’m sorry and I hope you move on from that lifestyle as well.  I learned something on my recent 25th birthday, I’m a grown ass man; it’s time I start acting like it.

This is the end of the Punk Revolution Blog in it’s current form.  I put my former life to rest and am moving on.  It is now time for not just a new chapter in my life but a whole new book.  Razer and I have a mission, to entertain and enlighten in a way not seen before.  We’ve created a hip hop duo that transcends the boundaries of music.  P.U.N.K. has begun. So God bless you all and watch out, history is being made as we speak. Peace.

NOTE: This blog will be migrating to a dedicated website soon.  You will see posts from both Razer and myself.  Don’t worry you will still see stuff from my life but these new posts will be more group orientated.  We will still infuse posts about our individual lives but it will be more of a collective effort then a blog about Prophet The Rebel.  You will be able to follow individual blog posts at our individual myspaces, Razer or Prophet.  In the meantime please start sending friend requests to our new groups myspace easily remembered as www.myspace.com/punkHD.   Please tell your friends and send us as many friend requests as possible so we can build our fan base.  Razer and I are headed into the studio this week so your wait shouldn’t be long.  In the meantime I recommend you learn a little bit about Razer by following him on Twitter @Razer_theRZR and/or through his wife’s blog, Clueless Newlywed.  I’m sure you will soon see why I think they are one of the most entertaining couples I have ever met.  Her blog is hilarious.)

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Hip Hop Love Story Finale

I got hip hop to focus on which will be the reason these posts may be a little more sporadic then usual.  That being said, Lucy, you only get one post dedicated to you and what your bitch ass did because after this, I am moving on.

So why am I bitter? Well kids sit down for a great little story.  Lucy and I did not end well.  It did not end well at all.

Like I said it all started well enough with Lucy and me.  We were really doing good, had a lot of interests together and she was even supportive of my hip hop career.  Lucy was great.  Things got serious and as much as I tried to pump the breaks, she wasn’t having it.

I would say, “Well maybe we shouldn’t do this yet because you may get hurt,” or “You’ll regret it later,” or “We should wait until we are in love…blah blah blah.”

Nope, she just looked me in the eyes and said, “I do love you, and I am sure.”  Like an idiot I went along for the ride.  Well, sort of.  See I panic a bit  when the “L” word is mentioned . She would tell me how much she loves me, and I’d smile, excuse myself for a second, go to the other room and call Razer up and be like “Yo, I got Lucy in the other room, and she is saying she loves me and shit.  What do I do?  Should I kick her out?  She’s lying right?  And why the hell does my stomach feel like its in knots!?  You don’t think the bitch poisoned, me do you?”

Then Razer would laugh a second, why I don’t know because I was dead serious, then say “Chill man it’s okay.  She just likes you.  Go in there and spend some time with her.  Oh and whatever you do, DO NOT SLEEP WITH HER!  It’ll just complicate things.”

I then hung up the phone, walked in the other room, made out with her, and then we slept together.

Damn it!  Well I listened to some of his advice.

Razer thought I was paranoid, but paranoid or not, she would prove me right.  First, we began to hit a few bumps.  Nothing major just stepped on each others toes a bit but nothing too bad.  You know, normal shit that happens when you’re with someone all the time..We just got on each others nerves here and there.

And then one day out of the blue, and man do I mean out of the blue, no fuck that out of the black, out of the void, out of the absolute no where she says “I’m done with you.”  One day I kissed her goodnight, the next day “I’m done with you.”  A total Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde.   She laid into me with “I never loved you” and “There’s someone else” and my personal fav “And you are too ugly a guy for me.”

Needless to say, I am not a fan of Lucy right now.

So now Lucy if you are reading this blog, remember when we first started dating and you said: “Why don’t you talk about me more on the blog?”  Remember how you were jealous of how much time I devoted to Anesia or Sara on this site?  Well, you finally got your wish and the whole world knows how much of a cold hearted bitch you really are.  Best believe I have some verses especially dedicated to you.  Once again I must say …..”I got 99 problems and a bitch ain’t one.”  See you when I go on tour.  Peace!

P.S. – On a serious note my boy Chemist just underwent a MAJOR surgery and I wanted to give him a shout out.  Razer and I are glad you pulled through bro, and it just goes to show how much we take things for granted.   Much love goes out to him and his fam.  Get better, get back and continue making beats so you can leave the legacy behind I know you have in you.

P.P.S. – Shout out to my boy Dwayne too.  We got a little to close to ending a long friendship.  I’m glad we talked it out and squashed the beef.  Hopefully one day this dream will become a reality and I can help ya out in your hip hop dreams.

I leave you with this.

“THERE ARE GREAT MEN AND THEN THERE ARE MEN WHO ARE GREAT. GREAT MEN WERE BORN INTO POWER AND STAUS AND LIVE THROUGH NAME ALONE. MEN THAT ARE GREAT DON’T NEED FAME OR GLAMOUR OR ATTENTION. THEIR DEEDS DEFINE THEM ALONE.”

WHAT KIND OF MAN WILL YOU BE?

Words of wisdom taught to me by my lost love…

ANESIA XIYU MUAE PARKINGSON

Rest in Peace

Cleveland Hip Hop Love Story: The Sequel

Proph here interrupting my regular Cleveland Hip Hop updates to drop a post about my personal life…

I passingly mentioned this earlier but I have met someone.  In school, I have been friends with this beautiful Asian girl, Lucy, for awhile.  We’ve been passing each other in the hallways since freshman year, shot a “hi” back and forth every once in awhile, and for the past year, we’ve talked non-stop on Facebook.  Well, our relationship spilled out from the internet and into real life recently. We began to talk and hang out in the real world.  We found out quickly that we get along in real life just as well as we had on Facebook…For one thing, we really make each other laugh.  And unlike Sara, she is actually supportive of my hip hop dreams.  Lucy’s been behind me 100% in my acting and hip hop careers which is a breath of fresh air these days.

Well, one night we were chilling at my crib (the fact that she sees where I live and still likes me is special in and of itself), and then in one of those stereo-typical awkward romance movie moments, our friendship became something more.  You know what I’m talking about, right? That silent moment where you stop talking and look in each other’s eyes and get that funny feeling in your pants, errr…stomach.  Before I knew it, we were kissing.  In my head thoughts were racing, but they weren’t really the kind of thoughts you’re average college guy should have…No, Prophet The Rebel has to start thinking:

What the hell is going on?

Are we ruining our friendship?

Could someone actually like me, actually not be using me?

Do I deserve someone this great?

This is going to blow up in my face!

And so on and son on.  I interrupted the moment and had to ask: “Lucy, are you sure you want to do this?  Are you sure this is the right thing for us?”

“I have never been more sure about something in my life,” she responded.

The next few days were a little odd, for me at least.  We had those funny, puppy love type conversations: So what are we? Can I see you tonight?  You know…All that crappy love story type stuff.  And I, for the first time in a while began to feel a little joy in my personal life.  But the point of this post isn’t so much to tell you guys I finally have someone. It isn’t to gross you out with my love life; it’s really about me and my messed up view of life.

See as much as I should be happy that I found someone new, I’m not.  I have been surrounded by what can best be described as poisonous relationships for what seems like more then a lifetime.  Beyond my own messed up love life, my sister, my friends, they all have relationships that involve fighting, cheating or abuse, physical or mental.  I haven’t had a good relationship since I met the love of my life, Anesia, and look how that ended.

Now I’ll be honest, Razer has quickly become one of my closest friends. Watching him and his wife, Nikki, together has been a breath of fresh air.  To those who know them, you know exactly what I am talking about.  They click as friends, as a couple, as a team.  Sure they have their ups and downs, but they have really given me a new found hope on love and marriage.  If you don’t believe me, check out her Clueless Newlywed Blog, and you’ll see a glimpse of what I’m talking about.

The point of all this is that being around them makes me want more out of my relationships.  I don’t want to be messing around anymore; I want something solid and lasting.  I want someone I can grow with, someone who makes me a better person.  I want all these games to end and have a fulfilling relationship.  The problem is that as much as Lucy says that what we have is true, and as much fun as I have being around her, I can’t help but hear this voice in the back of my head that says “Proph, don’t get too comfortable.  She will screw you like everyone else.  This will come crashing down like everything else in your life.”

I know this is wrong.  I know I shouldn’t tell myself that, but I can’t help but think the worst.  I do this about everything, and I can’t seem to break the cycle. Maybe that’s because for me, life has never broke its cycle. When you’ve been shit on as long as I have, it’s tough to believe in yourself.  So as much as I like to believe in “us,” and that my life in general will be get better, a large part of me can’t shake this feeling that failure and pain is right around the corner.

Any advice will be more than welcome at this point.

Mother of All Hip Hop Setbacks

First, B-Sides goes bad. Then Dwayne shows some hesitation with letting us use his beats. Now we have yet another damn set back!  Like I said in my previous post, I called Dwayne to talk to him about launching his career. I was explaining how Razer has really started to deliver lately. Because of Razer, I have clocked in some studio time, met some major hip hop personalities and really got cracking on the few beats that I have accumulated.

I thought Dwayne would be psyched to hear this news, but all he said was that he wanted to talk to Razer and get an idea of how serious we were and what we have planned to unleash on the Midwest Hip Hop scene.  So…I got Razer on the phone to give him the 411. He pretty much told Dwayne: We can secure your music, get you legal representation, and copyright your work. I have people I’m setting up for marketing. Mooch is gonna help get the live shows organized, and we can launch your career, help you get a record deal…The whole thing.  A year from now we will all be sitting pretty with record deals, touring, etc.  Everything ends cool.  Before hanging up the phone, Dwayne said that we were alright to use the music, and we planned on meeting the next day to finalize things.

A half hour later the phone rings, and nothing could prepare me for the bombshell that Dwayne dropped…

“You’re going to kill me, man.” Dwayne said.

PROPH: “Why am I going to kill you?”

He goes on, “Ahh geez, you’re going to kill me. I didn’t think you were serious.  I thought we were just gonna freestyle and talk about becoming stars.  I didn’t think you were serious.  Now you are hanging out with super stars, working in the studio and doing radio shows.”

PROPH:  “What are you talking about? Calm down, and just tell me what you are talking about!  And how did you not know that I was serious? Look at all the things I gave up. Look at everything I’ve lost.  I lost my girl; I lost my crib; I lost all my equipment and half my friends.  What part of that did you not take seriously?  Now what the hell is the problem?”

“The beats aren’t mine…I stole them.” He said quickly.

PROPH:  “What are you talking about?”

“The beats, I took them from another guy years ago.  You guys can’t use em cause they aren’t mine. They’re his, and he probably sold the rights years ago.”

We spoke a little longer as he clarified that I hadn’t gone deaf and that I heard him right.  I hung up the phone and just looked at Razer.

PROPH: “We are fucked!”

“Huh?” Razer took off his head phones and looked at me.

PROPH:  “Dwayne lied…He stole the beats.”

“Which ones?” Razer asked.

PROPH:  “All of em! The entire CD is shot, and all those weeks of work and writing are for nothing.  We have no CD, no beats, and we are now way behind on the deadline.  Dammit, we’re broke and don’t have time to start beats from scratch, and Chemist can’t make that many quality beats in time, we’re done.  Screwed…I’m gonna kill him.”

Razer just laughed. “Well, at least we found out halfway through the CD’s rough drafts rather then in court after we pressed the damn thing.  No one said this would be easy, and you got to expect some speed bumps.  We just gotta look at this as an opportunity. Now we can buy or make better beats…You keep telling me to get back in the game. And I definitely believe in this project! Do you think this is gonna stop us?”

I was taken aback by how calm he was.  I guess that’s what experience in this industry can do to a person.  Razer just took it in stride.

“I got your back, man.  I believe in you, and I won’t let you fail.” He said.  “Now get your ass home and practice your spoken word, you have a date with B-Sides, and you are going to blow them away this Tuesday!”

Hustling for Cleveland Hip Hop

That whole back spasm had me laid out for quite a bit, but I’m out.  I refuse to let this keep me down.  I continued rehearsing my lines for the play and continued writing in bed.  Pain or not, I filled up with pain killers and went off to the evening rehearsals this week, hiding my back pain from everyone.  I still had to wrestle a bit with the bronchitis, but I made it through nonetheless.

Now I’m hitting the books again cos I missed tons of classes, but I have to admit that I’m starting to think that school is not for me. I also went back to work yesterday, and I  asked for some extra shifts to help with the bills. Oh yeah, and I finally hit up the pawn shop…Traded in that ring, sold my Xbox 360 and my HDTV.  (I think the latter hurt the most.)  I don’t have a lot in my apartment right now, but the money I got from the shop should cover my bills for a couple of weeks. Not sure what I’m gonna do after that. And with that,  I can now say that I have officially given up everything for my hip hop dream….I lost my girl, my nice apartment and my entertainment.

I think at this point some of my oldest and closest friends are starting to wonder about this whole “Midwest’s Best Rapper” dream I have been chasing.  But screw it! Sometimes, you just get this inner calling, this passion you cannot explain.  For me that passion is performing…whether it’s acting or hip hop…In both, I hit the stage, and I know that’s where I  belong.  Doing anything else makes me feel dead inside. Like I’m going through the motions but my heart is just not there.  So I have no choice.  Rain or shine, pain or illness, I can’t and won’t give up on my Cleveland hip hop dream.  I was sick for the last recording session but now that I am semi-back on my feet I headed back up to Chemist’s lab and recorded some verses for a track.  He is mixing and mastering my very first rap single as I type!  I can’t wait to finally post something on MySpace.

Oh yeah, I can also finally say that I am a professional actor.  Check it: Prophet the Rebel’s on Cleveland Public Theatre’s homepage.  (I’m the black man!)

Never give up, pain or not, through setbacks and hardships, keep on going and you will make it through.  That’s what I have learned.  God will find a way to put the right people and opportunities in my life if I keep on seeking them and don’t give up.  I focused to get this acting gig…Now it’s time to do the same for hip hop.  Industry here I come!    If you are in Cleveland and reading this, please come and check out my show: The Aperture.  If you want to talk to me about hip hop I’d be more than happy to take a moment and hit you up after the play.

MIDWEST GLOOM: WILL IT EVER SHINE IN CLEVELAND?

Proph here with a lil pity party.  I was trying to keep optimistic this week…Really I was. But ya know that phrase, “When it rains, it pours?” In my case, it should be “When it rains, it’s a level 5 hurricane!” I’m serious. This week’s recording session went okay.  I say okay because as I started rapping, I realized I wasn’t feeling so hot.  First, it was just some pain in my throat, then I felt a little light headed and now, well now I feel like crap.  It’s hard to breathe let alone move, and I can’t afford nor do I have the time to go to the hospital. I bought some food before my work check was deposited into my account.  Needless to say, I over-drafted my account, and the bank won’t stop charging me late fees.  When I looked this morning, it was up to $400, and I don’t know what to do to get them to stop.

I pulled it together for my little sister’s Birthday dinner, but between the illness and the setbacks, I’ve gotta say that I am officially down and out.  I’m keeping up the optimistic facade to my boys, but the truth is I am a bit dead inside.  My history with women has been problematic to say the least.  Just a couple of weeks ago,  I was gonna to pledge my everlasting love to Sara, and looking back now, I don’t think she really understood how much I cared for her.  I would have put in the time and effort to make it work.  I would have been there for her if she gave me the chance.  But she shut me out.  Ya know what the last things she said to me was? “I don’t love you.” Then she said that I was just a good time. And I couldn’t expect her to stick around with a guy who has no car, no job, lives in a poverty-stricken apartment, and is chasing a dream of becoming the next big hip hop artist from Cleveland.  She said she needed a future, and I was just a fun stop along the ride.

Before our big date fiasco, I had kept some of the cash from my savings and bought her a ring. It wasn’t an engagement ring, a promise ring…actually, more like a ‘thank you’ ring.  I was going to give it to her before our first hip hop show as a way of saying thank you for sticking around.  Now instead of me giving it to her, I’ll be giving it to a pawn shop.  Maybe someone else out there will buy it and give it to someone who loves them, because that future just ain’t in the cards for me.  Sorry for the pity party, but it just ate me up today, and I needed to get it out.  The last straw was waking up to find my pet Iguana had died.  So I think I’ll rest, feel bad for my self for a little and then pick myself back up like I always do.

After all, this drama has to be good for one thing…song writing. Listening to Kid Cudi’s latest single, Day N’ Night, made me think about how life’s problems seep into the hip hop scene and turn into great music. After I heal up, I’ll just take all this hardship and put it into my hip hop, but for the time-being, this is one defeated Prophet signing off.

Game Over: Him or Me?

So  Sara and I met up this morning after I said the cliche, “we need to talk” bit over the phone.

She seemed to know this was not going to go well, so I just came out and asked “Are you seeing Terrence?”

Now before I get into her answer, I have to explain who  this Terrance guy is exactly.  Sara and I are in some drama classes…In fact, that’s how we met…From the moment I met her I could tell she was one of those flirtatious types.  She walked around and knew how to string men along. She literally looked like a puppet master backstage as she tugged on every guys heart strings.  One second she was playfully close to one man, the next second she had a new guy eating out of the palm of her hands.  And so, at first glance, I decided to keep my distance.  Or so I thought.  She made her way to me and before I knew it, I had fallen for her.  It was playful at first but as we got closer, the relationship became more serious.  I excused a lot of her “flirtatious” behavior because I thought that she would never go beyond playful flirting.  (Of course looking back now, I know how stupid that was of me.)

It just so happens that one of those people she “playfully flirts” with is Terrence– 34-year-old, freshly divorced, semi-professional actor  in the drama department.  When I saw them together, I just figured it was another one of those cases of the older wishful-thinking guy flirting with the younger girl who was out of his league, She’s only 22, and very sexy, so I couldn’t really blame the man.  It may have started innocent, but this relationship clearly blew up into something more than wishful thinking and playful flirting.

So back to this morning. I cut to the chase, “Sara are you seeing Terrance behind my back?”

“Look we are just friends,” Sara told me. “It’s not like we had sex.  I was going to tell you about us, but I figured you would trip out.”

“Umm, if he is just a friend then why is he saying he loves you?”

“See your tripping out.  We haven’t had sex or nothing.  We are just friends and I like being with him.  Look I just don’t want to be tied down now, I don’t really wanna be in some committed relationship.  I need to keep my options open.” she said.

“OK…Then what were we?”

“Honestly? Don’t get mad. You’re really good in bed, and that’s it right now (BTW, that really is what she said. No, I’m not tooting my own horn, and yes ,I am a little proud of it so let me gloat for a sec I deserve it!) OK Continuing…”I mean honestly, how serious did you think we were going to get?  You’re just a college actor, you’re moving to a place I wouldn’t be caught dead in, and your big dream is to be a rapper!? Come on!  Let’s just call this what it is–a good time–and keep it at that!”

I swear, I  had systematically walked through every single response she could have given me…Like, we’ve been seeing each other for awhile, or sometimes we hang out…But I was NOT prepared for the words that came out of her mouth just then. I mean–What do you say to that? I was stunned, not because it came out of the blue, but because I finally heard those words.  I know my dreams are crazy, I know my chances of success are less then 1 in a million, but I figured as an aspiring actress herself, she understood me.  Instead, she saw me exactly as I feared everyone else does, a joke.

So I did the only thing I could do in that instant. I decided to keep some dignity. Hot or not, I sure as hell wasn’t gonna be somone’s bootie call. So I told her this, “Make a choice, him or me. You can believe in me and work on us, or you can find somebody else.  Think about it for a few days and let me know your decision.”      And with that I went home, had a little pity party for myself, quickly shook it off and began writing for about 2 hours straight.  The freestyles and rhymes came non-stop, although granted, mainly about women, but they came nonetheless.