Looking Back to Go Forward

My first girlfriend was the woman who changed my life forever.  Four years my senior, Anesia Xiyu Mave Parkingson was the stability my life so desperately needed.  A writer who grew up in Hawaii off the Polynesian Islands, she melted away all the coldness in the world around me.  My best friend, the love of my life and then, the mother of my soon-to-be-born child.  I was scared but I knew with her, we would give that baby the life I never had.

Throughout the pregnancy she never stopped seeing the good in me and desperately tried to convince me to walk away from the gangs and violence.  She knew it wasn’t me but I just didn’t listen.  To this day I hate myself for not having heeded her words.  I lost my best friend and my baby in the blink of an eye. Anesia went to Baltimore for some kind of tutoring program. She was only supposed to be there for a couple of days. Four weeks later, a friend told me that she was dead. There’s too many memories getting stirred up right now, so I’m gonna just leave it alone. The point is.  She was my everything, and then she was gone.

Anesia’s death hit me hard…Somehow, I managed to re-focus my energy and pain into a new outlet–Hip hop. I started writing like a fiend. I battled anyone willing to battle and studied every tape I could get my hands on.  With a couple of good friends, Perry and Dwayne, we built a strong hip hop crew, honing our skills every day and night.  Perry grew up first and entered the Navy, (a man who is  an inspiration to me for how a person can change his life and really do something to be proud of).  When Perry left, Dwayne and I stayed behind with dreams of hip hop stardom.  He made beats, and I freestyled over every record he tossed my way.

But I slipped and I went back to my old ways, surrounding myself with the wrong crowd again, and eventually, work turned into play. And “play” was about sitting around getting high and half-assing everything I did.  It didn’t take long before I was kicked out of high school.  I didn’t care  then because Dwayne’s beats were hot, and high or not, my flow was grabbing more and more attention. Eventually I got my act together and went back for my G.E.D. while “forging my style,” whatever that means.  And that’s where we are now, G.E.D. in hand and that shady life behind me; college and acting during the day and hip hop at night.

The funny part about life is there is always the chance of redemption, if the person seizes the opportunity.  I’d like to think that I am one of the lucky ones who made the wrong things right–even if it took a few years. A little bit late but thank you Anesia.  I will make you proud and finally be the man you saw hidden in me.



  1. Prophet – this was beautifully written and sad, I’m sorry about your girlfriend and baby. That must have been so hard for you. She still taught you lessons after she was gone though, and you learned from your mistakes. You’re a better person for her teaching you how to believe in yourself.

  2. Thanks for the kind words, Sarcastica. It was hard, but you’re right, I’ve grown to be a better man because of her.

  3. […] cheating or abuse, physical or mental.  I haven’t had a good relationship since I met the love of my life, Anesia, and look how that […]

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